Whiney Whitney Discusses Oral Hygiene

Now if a title like that doesn't pull in the subscribers, I don't know what will. But, to be honest, here is the real reason I re-started my long lost blog:

I LIKE SAYING STUFF! SPECIFICALLY, COMPLAINING!

With that in mind, bear with me just a sec while I tell you about my trip to the dentist today:

Laying in the dentist's chair with my paper bib and my hand-held sucker thingy, I smiled the kind of smile that only belongs to someone who flosses twice and brushes thrice every single day, even during vacations (really! I love oral hygiene!).

"Looks good," the dentist says. "Have you been flossing?" Seeing as his hands are rather inconveniently inside of my mouth, I simply nod vigorously. I try to make my eyes sparkle, so as to say "Twice a day! For real!"

And that's where it all goes downhill. "We'll see about that," he says, narrowing his eyes and picking up a large, terribly sharp metal poker. It glints threateningly in the light of the lamp positioned over my mouth.

A maniacal and sadistic grin creeps across his face as he aims...

...and bears down with tremendous force, repeatedly stabbing my healthy pink gums. HACK HACK HACK. POKE POKE POKE. My once-sparkling eyes now fill with tears as he saws away.

He jabs and jabs and jabs until I am sure I have lost a quart of blood. Then, with a disapproving cluck and a sad shake of the head, Captain Obvious reports: "Your gums are bleeding."

Really, now. Well, seeing as you just repeatedly impaled them with your ADA-approved ice pick, I CAN'T SAY I AM SURPRISED, EVIL MAN.

The hygienist pops her head in the door. "You've got to come see this, Wanda," the dentist gestures to her. "Take a look at that bleeding!"

"Shooo-weeee!" she drawls. "That's a gusher! You should be flossin' every day, sweetheart."

I narrow my eyes menacingly.

"That's right," says my dentist. "Daily flossing is very important to prevent gingivitis." I point the handheld sucker thingy in his direction and flick the switch on and off threateningly. My mouth still full of tools, I assure him: "Ah DOOOOO flosh ebry day!"

But alas, no one believes me. I am doomed to a life of all of the excellent oral hygiene practices and none of the recognition.

Good thing I have a blog so I can get all these feelings out. Thanks for listening, kids.